pause

Every day I wake up, and I take care of my sister's home. My sister's dogs. My sister.

I check the mail, my phone, my e-mail. Desperate for some word... did I get the job?

My homepage tells me, how many days (and minutes and seconds) until I'm back home, and I anxiously wait for zero.

Facebook tells me about the festivals, the parties, the wacky antics of my friends on either coast.

Each day I give what strength I can, and hide all the pain which I carry.

Here to help. To be strong. Capable. Self-sufficient. Loving. Giving. No one here to give to me.

I've put my life on hold for my sister. Her life had fallen to shit. She needed someone, she was alone. That's what family is for, but I wonder, would any of them have done it for me? I like to think that I wouldn't need the rescue. I know I would never ask for it. But still... I don't have anyone who would pause life for me. I want someone. To be someone's waking thought. The one whose name alone brings with it a smile. I want someone to care as much about me as I would care about them. I'm lonely. Maybe I'm just feeling selfish. But I'm allowed, aren't I? Or maybe I'm just tired.